"Melania" is the Most Boring (And Pointless) of Documentaries

There has been much said about Brett Ratner’s documentary “Melania,” a new movie about former (and current) First Lady Melania Trump (as there usually is when high-profile documentaries about public, political figures are released). There have been articles written about the eye-watering $40 million Amazon (reportedly) spent on acquiring the movie. There have been articles about the empty screenings. There have been articles about the potential conflict of interest in the existence of the movie in the first place.



What you likely won’t read many of are reviews, as Amazon did not provide press screenings for critics (maybe because we’re part of fake news? I dunno). I decided to take one for the team and see the movie myself, and the sad reality is that “Melania” is far more snorrendous than anything; never insightful, never biting, and devoid of almost any entertainment. It's like watching a feature-length Dior commercial about a person who is not interesting enough to spend 30 seconds with. This movie gives me so little to form any cohesive thoughts, I figure it would make more sense to just provide you with the notes I took during my (largely empty) screening:

Nice opening shot of Mar-a-Lago. Brett Ratner was, if nothing else, a competent filmmaker. The whole opening sequence feels staged and cinematic, even down to using the 2.35:1 aspect ratio.

The Trump plane does look fancy, and the Trump bobblehead (where he holds a gun and is dressed like the Terminator) is hilarious for the lack of self-awareness.

Not sure if it was a wise idea to use Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” as overture music, considering the allegations against Melania’s husband.

Oh yeah, one of Trump’s slogans was ‘Build the Wall.’ Did that ever happen?

Melania narrates that she wants to tell the story of how she went from being a private citizen to becoming First Lady. I guess she considers those days of being a nude model to not be ‘public.’

I genuinely did not know Melania had an education in architectural design. Her discussing how there are four days of the Inauguration celebration and what goes into the planning process is genuinely interesting.

I am curious if this could be considered old-fashioned thinking to suggest that the main duty of the First Lady is to decorate the house and tend to the garden. Hopefully, the movie will delve into what interests she has for issues she cares about for the country.

The discussions she has about bringing something from her home country to her new country (America) is rather ironic, considering her husband's position on immigrants.

Is it just me, or does Melania seem to want to get off the phone with Trump as soon as possible, not wanting to listen to his ramblings about how he won the election in a landslide?

I’m not sure how I feel about Melania talking about her late mother during the scenes of attending Jimmy Carter’s funeral. I sympathize with her loss, but this is not the time to make something about yourself.

That being said, her words about loss and dealing with it feel genuine. Shots of her at the church, remembering her mother, feel a bit staged. I hate to say that, but it really does.

I do feel a tinge of sadness for her as she exits the church and is greeted by onlookers.

Why is she using her own book as a height lifter for her laptop? Is that supposed to be a subtle promotion, or does she just think that little of her own work?

Apparently, one of Melania’s big issues is bullying. She is working with leaders in France to find out how to curb cyberbullying. Again, ironic, but it also sort of makes sense.

This scene where Melania is watching the news of the California fires is obviously staged. You don’t watch the news from the back of the TV.

This scene where Melania talks to a woman who was held captive by Hamas is so far the most genuine I’ve seen in the movie.

Wow, I didn’t think Matthew Belloni inquiring about the Amazon deal for this documentary would show up in the movie.

After five scenes of watching Melania get dressed, I’m ready to move on to something that is actually interesting.

Movie has been going on for almost 50 minutes now and it would not be a stretch to say that roughly half of the time has been spent on dress fitting and discussions about decorating the White House.

Oh, she just said that “Billie Jean” is her favorite song from her favorite artist. That explains the use of the song.

She mentions that she has the LP of Thriller at home. She gets points for that.

This moment of her singing along to the song is one of the few times it feels like she has let her guard down. I want to see more of this side.

She calls herself a private citizen as she is charted around by Secret Service and flies on private jets. The lack of self-awareness…

For the first time, I find I don’t mind audience members in the theater being on their phones.

Trump looks uncomfortable at the idea of having to take a drive with President Biden. This is the first genuine laugh the audience has had in the movie so far.

It is cool that home video footage of inauguration day from Melania’s father is included.

As manipulative as this graveyard scene is, it does show that Brett Ratner isn’t a talentless hack. It’s a shame he can’t get more emotion out of the President or First Lady. The monotone narration is not helping.

More dress fitting.

During this prayer its fascinating to note who is praying and who is silently watching.

Is that Hilary Clinton being friendly with Trump? I would like a documentary discussing that one conversation alone.

Inauguration Day, and Melina speaks in great detail about her vision for the White House. Also, more dress trimming. I think it is clear what she cares about most.

That photo-op with Biden and Trump looked less awkward than I was expecting.

This is the third time I’ve seen Tim Cook at a Trump event. Sort of surprised Apple didn’t pick this up.

Oh, man…this narration by Melania about how she loves America because of how it treats immigrants and that this fact makes America special is so…I have no words.

Melania does not look happy to be at the inauguration. I’m surprised they are lingering on her uncertain face.

Man, the Trump speech is really good. I wish his presidency had followed this speech.

The shot of Bush and Clinton laughing is cute. Reminds us that we can get along with people of political differences.

Melania just gave Trump a huge pass for his many mistakes. Not sure if I’ll mention it in the review. It’s a small part, but has the potential to be too political.

Why is Melania trying to cover her face for the cameras?

Melania said, “It is ultimately the American people who decide the future of the country.” Can we get that in writing?

Why is Barron Trump getting so much focus near the end of this? Are they trying to prep his potential future political career? Or is it just a mother doting on her son?

The stiffest husband and wife dance I’ve seen since I saw my in-laws dance at my wedding.

Melania dancing to “YMCA” is, truthfully, cute.

Oh god, they’re trying to pay tribute to “Goodfellas” here of all places?



The final comment on serving the American people with purpose and ‘style’ is an odd way to end this. And, of course, the credits involve a photo shoot of the First Lady and her love of fashion.

Yes, this isn’t much of a review, but then, "Melania" isn't much of a movie. Truthfully, I’m not even sure if my editor will accept it or not. But those notes will do something that this movie fails to do: give you insight into my mind and thought process when it comes to writing a review. Putting politics aside, Melania Trump is easily one of history’s most enigmatic First Ladies, and a movie that gives us a behind-the-scenes look at her life has extreme value. The fact that there is less than nothing in “Melania” is a waste for everyone involved. And if the movie isn’t going to try, why should I (and why would you care)?