Ugly as Sin are the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

Note: This review was originally published in 2014. With the exception of fixing some spelling errors, the review is being presented as it was originally published.

As far as I'm concerned "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is dead on arrival. I say this not because the story is convoluted and stupid, as the story is serviceable enough to pass for most action films these days. I say this not because of Megan Fox's unmoving performance as April O'Neil, who acts more like a swim model who got lucky to be cast in a movie as opposed to a real actress with personality. It's not even the idea that this is a reimagining of an old cartoon show from my time period (believe it or not, while I was a Turtles fan I could never claim to be a fanboy). No, the reason "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" doesn't work on any serious level is because of the Turtles themselves. They are ugly, creepy, and so very unpleasant to look at.

One look at them and the idea that I had to spend two hours with these hideous creations was enough to make me sick to my stomach. Who decided this would be a good look for the film's title characters? Who decided to make these uncanny specimens the heart and soul of this movie? What are these things, mutants? Oh, that's right — they are. Guess that means the joke’s on me. Still, even though these are mutants (possibly aliens as the film explains) that doesn't make up for the fact that these things just get worse and worse the longer you have to look at them. It almost didn't matter what was going on around them because they were such a distraction I found I couldn't bring myself to care about anything else that was going on.

At one time I did take notice of the film’s main antagonist, Shredder, a Japanese ninja master who walks around in a suit with so much metal on him I'm surprised he doesn't vibrate when he moves. Because I'm considerate of my reader's well-being I won't bother to mention the rat other than to say that if there is a less approachable hero in a movie this year I would love for you to point him out. On top of how ugly this film is, it is also boring. It's dark, brooding, and takes itself WAY too seriously! We're viewing a movie about teenage, mutant, ninja turtles. They also happen to like pizza. I suppose that's good news for Pizza Hut. Seriously, did the producers of this film even stop to realize that the source material for this movie was supposed to be satire? As in fun?

There are moments of excitement to be found. Standout scenes involve all the turtles fighting Shredder. An avalanche chase is the highlight of the movie, with good cinematography and slick editing. It's clear why these scenes stand out: because they are fully animated and not restricted by the real world. Action scenes where actors need to be involved don't have movement so much as they have the camera shaking all the time. It makes me wish that the producers had just gone ahead and made the film fully animated in the first place instead of going along with the charade that people were being directed at one point. I assume kids are the target audience for this, but the PG-13 assures us that there will be enough violence in the film to make most of them squirm. I kept hoping at one point some of this would end up being fun, but it was a lost cause by this point.

Sometimes you ask yourself how bad movies weren't stopped earlier into production. Either there is a miscast actor, the screenplay isn't connecting, or even just that the film isn’t fun. This film should not have only been stopped because of these three sins, but someone at the concept meeting should have taken one look at the design of the movie and ordered them to go back to the drawing board. Was there really no one there to look at the pre-production and see just how bad everything was shaping up to be before any real work had even begun? Someone needs to be fired for this gross oversight. Never mind. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is a franchise movie, so chances are it will be just fine on the opening weekend. Whether it enjoys having legs in the upcoming weeks will likely depend on whether people get into the action enough to ignore the images.